*THIS CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN
BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING
DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE
TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET
OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
Yes you read that correctly and I am sure for most of you comes as no surprise if you have ever seen me eat, but for the rest of you it may be harder to see because I am not underweight. My eating disorder has come in many shapes and sizes over the last 21 years of my life. Starting the traits of an eating disorder at least around the age of 10 although I can look back even further and see where I had poor body image even earlier and was called fat by adults and children alike.
I hesitate to share my story not because it hasn't been told before, but because it has never been told like this before. And with every time I open up about my past there are certain risks involved. I risk hurting others as well as myself. But if my story could help one person not feel alone tonight then I believe it is worth sharing. All I ask is that in reading my story you respect that I am a person just like anyone else no matter what you see on the outside.
Since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a gymnast (yes, I realize now as a grown woman it was not in my genetics to be a gymnast but hey I was 6 then). I flipped around on EVERYTHING, even went to the hospital for stitches after busting my head open on a concrete floor. Finally my parents got the hint and put me into gymnastics. I could have lived at the gym, I loved it there. The challenge of new possibilities were endless. I was in control of how my body moved and the way I felt was amazing. But one day it was pointed out that I might be too "thick" to perform at the level my coach was asking me to perform. I knew nothing about diets and overexercise, but I knew I had to work harder and over come this obstacle so I began to obsess about my workouts after practice. I soon could not keep up with "enough" push ups and sit ups. I always thought I needed to do more. But I kept fighting I was not giving up.
Fast forward a few years to junior high I had a rocky road at home and my parents decided to divorce, so the gym became even more important. The gym was where I could get lost and not even notice the world around me. I could give the mats my all and gain new skills in return. Sure I had other loves like music, church, cheerleading, and the occasional "boyfriend." I pretty much hated school, I felt alone even though I had friends. Everyone in a small town knew my business and I did not like that I had no control over things. That is when I learned I could control what I ate or didn't eat. It started as just being picky and wanting to be healthy but that soon grew into much more. I won't share details of my disorder because I do not want to trigger any one, but it is safe to say I was pushing my body well beyond the limits of healthy.
Moving on to High School I pretty much fell in love with my eating disorder it was everything to me. Every choice I made was because of my eating disorder. I thought I was fooling every one but later realized I wasn't fooling many. But no one stood up for me or questioned if I was ok or needed help. I was only made fun of for how skeletal I looked and how I always looked like I had two black eyes. Again you can probably see why I hated school so much.
When I was 15 I started a dating a boy that within a few months I knew I would marry, It was then that my road to recovery really began...
Jumping several years ahead to 2012 I experienced postpartum depression with my third child that triggered my eating disorder to swing into high gear and left me in the hospital, and eventually an eating disorder treatment facility. Over the past three years I have seen greater ups and downs than maybe ever before in my life only because I can't live in denial about my past. My eating disorder is part of who I am but it does not define who I am nor does it define who I want to become. I just have to realize it's going to take a while to get there.
You see I like millions of people was born with an eating disorder. It's not something I chose as a life style or the next fad I am trying to achieve. My relationship with food is messed up, my relationship with my body is messed up, and my relationship with my mind is messed up. I don't want to be this way, but I am. That doesn't mean I can't have some say in how I recover! Stay tuned for more about my road to recovery...
5,4,and 2
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
What is an Eating Disorder?
*THIS CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
So this week is national eating disorder awareness week and is something I am very passionate about. I thought I would start by just sharing what an eating disorder is. There are many different types of eating disorders although most of the world thinks there are only two (anorexia and bulimia). In my opinion an Eating Disorder is any unhealthy relationship to food whether it be too much or too little. There are many characteristics of an eating disorder that can not be put into words and often times an eating disorder is only a symptom of something else taking place in someone's life. I would like to take a few moments to throw some of the signs and symptoms out there for you to look over so that you or a loved one can recognize these symptoms and get help as quickly as possible:
Abnormally low body weight, but also an average or even overweight size
Intense fear of gaining weight
Distorted perception of body size
Excessive limitation of calories or other nutrients such as carbs, fats, and sugars
Over exercise
Abusing laxatives or diet aides
Purging
Binging
Guilt and shame around food
Preoccupied with body shape and size
Picking at food or moving it around on your plate
Obsessive weighing
Avoiding people during meal times, social events, or isolation in general
Fainting or Blacking out
Hair loss
Feeling cold
Bruising easily
Purple nail beds from lack of circulation
Irritability
Body Dysmorphia
These are just some of the symptoms of an eating disorder, but the mental aspect contains so much more such as:
Feeling out of control
Feeling like you are not enough
Shame and Guilt
Self Hate
Worthlessness
Feelings of being Toxic
Perfectionistic
People pleaser
Depression
Again this list is not all inclusive but just an idea of some of the areas that might show signs for concern. Most of these I can share from personal experience as a result of my own eating disorder. Eating disorders do not look the same in every case so it is important to not overlook signs and symptoms. It is also important to recognize that just because someone may have disordered eating does not mean they have developed an eating disorder, but they do increase their risks.
Over the course of this week I hope to raise awareness and shed some light into this horrible disease that have over 24 million people suffering. While eating disorders may not be preventable that doesn't mean it's not curable and the most widely used resource is therapy. That's right talking about it, so talk about it with someone you love this week. Don't let another moment go by living in pain alone. Let's be a relational people and help one another out.
So this week is national eating disorder awareness week and is something I am very passionate about. I thought I would start by just sharing what an eating disorder is. There are many different types of eating disorders although most of the world thinks there are only two (anorexia and bulimia). In my opinion an Eating Disorder is any unhealthy relationship to food whether it be too much or too little. There are many characteristics of an eating disorder that can not be put into words and often times an eating disorder is only a symptom of something else taking place in someone's life. I would like to take a few moments to throw some of the signs and symptoms out there for you to look over so that you or a loved one can recognize these symptoms and get help as quickly as possible:
Abnormally low body weight, but also an average or even overweight size
Intense fear of gaining weight
Distorted perception of body size
Excessive limitation of calories or other nutrients such as carbs, fats, and sugars
Over exercise
Abusing laxatives or diet aides
Purging
Binging
Guilt and shame around food
Preoccupied with body shape and size
Picking at food or moving it around on your plate
Obsessive weighing
Avoiding people during meal times, social events, or isolation in general
Fainting or Blacking out
Hair loss
Feeling cold
Bruising easily
Purple nail beds from lack of circulation
Irritability
Body Dysmorphia
These are just some of the symptoms of an eating disorder, but the mental aspect contains so much more such as:
Feeling out of control
Feeling like you are not enough
Shame and Guilt
Self Hate
Worthlessness
Feelings of being Toxic
Perfectionistic
People pleaser
Depression
Again this list is not all inclusive but just an idea of some of the areas that might show signs for concern. Most of these I can share from personal experience as a result of my own eating disorder. Eating disorders do not look the same in every case so it is important to not overlook signs and symptoms. It is also important to recognize that just because someone may have disordered eating does not mean they have developed an eating disorder, but they do increase their risks.
Over the course of this week I hope to raise awareness and shed some light into this horrible disease that have over 24 million people suffering. While eating disorders may not be preventable that doesn't mean it's not curable and the most widely used resource is therapy. That's right talking about it, so talk about it with someone you love this week. Don't let another moment go by living in pain alone. Let's be a relational people and help one another out.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Pride vs. Trust
Something that has been on my mind lately in between writing speeches for class and reading about intro to psychology research and that is Pride and trust. AND because my word nerd friend has me hooked on definitions I can't live life without looking up the meanings to pretty much every word that pops in my head these days. So I am going to try and break down the words according to the good ole dictionary and what comes to mind as I try to process the information.
"Pride: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
"Pride: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people
: a feeling that you are more important or better than other people
: a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc."
"Trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
:
an arrangement in which someone's property or money is legally held or
managed by someone else or by an organization (such as a bank) for
usually a set period of time
: an organization that results from the creation of a trust"
You might be trying to stay with me here or I may have completely lost you, so let me try and get you back. I struggle with pride, and I think I struggle with pride because I struggle with a lack of trust. Trust in a lot of things but mainly a lack of trust in God. I hope I am not alone in this. I don't feel like I struggle with pride in the typical "big head" sort of way, but rather in the opposite way of "I don't deserve anything and am worthless" sort of way. I have come to realize and have been challenged recently by my therapist what exactly this means in my life. A million things run through my mind all day every day even as I am typing this. Pride sneaks in and questions if I am doing anything right often times leaving me paralyzed with the answer that I am not. Which leads me to believe I am too proud to trust. Too proud to trust my friends and family, too proud to trust my treatment team that beg me to believe in myself, too proud to trust myself to make any kind of beneficial decision for my life, and most of all too proud to trust the one who gave up everything for me, Jesus.
It gets to me that in the definition of trust the word "effective" describes so much of my life and yet I'm too proud about being humble that I won't come to terms with the fact that God is effective. My reality of pride vs. trust is so skewed that even simple things become such a struggle. This week in one of my counseling sessions I was asked what it would look like if I trusted God and just took His hand. No deep theological meaning, just trust God in one small little seemingly meaningless thing. My answer...was silence, I couldn't even answer. Once again I was paralyzed. As I have been thinking for several days about how this blog would go and trying to piece together the words to say I want to just be all in and trust all the time, but that's not reality either. I struggle with life, a lot. Even though my struggle with pride is different it's still not me trusting in God's goodness and provision. I came across this video on facebook I wanted to share. It reminds me of that question I was asked about just giving a little to God.
What does it mean to trust and where do you start?
Go with what's effective, God is effective. His life, His love, His care for you is all effective. Does that mean easy? No, it means He will make it work, trust that He will work all things together for His purposes and His glory.
Friday, October 10, 2014
What does it mean to wrestle through struggling?
Sorry I have not blogged in a while, life has kept me busy. I have gone back to school and just finished up my first two classes back so I thought now would be a good time to write a little. I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to share (believe me there is a lot). One thing that stands out the most are my thoughts on struggling, is it a sin, is it necessary, and what if any good could come from it.
First, is struggling a sin? When I ask this question I try to think of what went on inside of Jesus' head. Did Jesus struggle? We know He was tempted, but is temptation the same as struggling? Honestly I am still on the fence on this one, but what I do know is it would be amazing to have Jesus' neurological system without a mental illness. The very definition of struggling is "to make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction." That sounds amazing to me, to make violent efforts to get free.
Is it necessary to struggle is the next question I have been asking myself a lot lately. This may seem like a silly question to some on both sides of the question. No it should not be necessary to struggle some might say, but I would agree with the other side that would say it absolutely is necessary to struggle. If you are not struggling you are not learning and growing for starters. In Genesis 32 the Bible talks about how Jacob wrestles with God. In the midst of Jacob's struggle He demanded for a blessing. Which leads to the final question.
What good could possibly come from suffering? Have you ever thought of it in the sense that a blessing could follow our suffering? Sure I have thought about God teaching me something or making me stronger in an area, but never really thought of the blessings that follow. Looking back on my life now I can see where after struggles God has richly blessed me.
One of my most recent struggles that I have been open about has been my eating disorder. Since sharing with a few people God has blessed me with the greatest of friends. While they may not always understand me they are always there to help me fight. I am not alone in this struggle. I think when you open yourself up to be vulnerable about your struggles God will see that and bless you. I recognize that struggling is not easy, but we all face them. I wonder what would happen if we all got a little more real when it comes to our struggles, if they wouldn't hold so much power over us. Just my thoughts.
As water reflects the face,
so the heart reflects the person.
Proverbs 27:19 HCSB
First, is struggling a sin? When I ask this question I try to think of what went on inside of Jesus' head. Did Jesus struggle? We know He was tempted, but is temptation the same as struggling? Honestly I am still on the fence on this one, but what I do know is it would be amazing to have Jesus' neurological system without a mental illness. The very definition of struggling is "to make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction." That sounds amazing to me, to make violent efforts to get free.
Is it necessary to struggle is the next question I have been asking myself a lot lately. This may seem like a silly question to some on both sides of the question. No it should not be necessary to struggle some might say, but I would agree with the other side that would say it absolutely is necessary to struggle. If you are not struggling you are not learning and growing for starters. In Genesis 32 the Bible talks about how Jacob wrestles with God. In the midst of Jacob's struggle He demanded for a blessing. Which leads to the final question.
What good could possibly come from suffering? Have you ever thought of it in the sense that a blessing could follow our suffering? Sure I have thought about God teaching me something or making me stronger in an area, but never really thought of the blessings that follow. Looking back on my life now I can see where after struggles God has richly blessed me.
One of my most recent struggles that I have been open about has been my eating disorder. Since sharing with a few people God has blessed me with the greatest of friends. While they may not always understand me they are always there to help me fight. I am not alone in this struggle. I think when you open yourself up to be vulnerable about your struggles God will see that and bless you. I recognize that struggling is not easy, but we all face them. I wonder what would happen if we all got a little more real when it comes to our struggles, if they wouldn't hold so much power over us. Just my thoughts.
As water reflects the face,
so the heart reflects the person.
Proverbs 27:19 HCSB
Monday, April 14, 2014
When Eatting Disorders Don't Discriminate
I just feel like I have been struggling a lot lately with what my eating disorder looks like and thought I would share. So this is for all you pregnant friends that struggle, all those fabulous plus size girls (like me), the "average" size ladies, and all the ones who might be somewhere under, over, or in between.
I can't seem to find happiness in any size, I have been under weight to over weight all in the last two years and just can't seem to find happiness. And that's all because an eating disorder doesn't want you to have any part of happiness. There are some moments when I can see clearly and experience some joy but more often I feel broken about not fitting into a certain size of jeans or shopping at certain stores because I have gotten older and my body type is changing (again) as well as the abuse I have put my body through has irreversible effects. An eating disorder is not really about any of those things. I haven't quite put my finger on it yet but when I find the magic cure I promise to tell the world.
I believe it takes lots of hard work and dedication to change an eating disorder. It infiltrates every part of your mind and heart until all you can think about is calories and carbs. You learn to hate your body because of what it was never meant to do instead of love your body for the very thing it was created for. The hard work comes in daily fighting for truth that to many women just can't seem to understand, myself included.
"When will it end" I ask myself constantly. "Why is it so hard to just eat?" "you don't look bad"
"you will be fine" are the insensitive comments from others. There is a statement I love that says "Every one knows someone" but one statement I love even more is Every one knows someone and you don't even know you are looking at them. The next time you see someone and you like a part of them that has nothing to do with their physical body tell them, don't be afraid to compliment a perfect stranger. And the next time you are struggling with your own body image fight for your life because you are worth it. Not because of happiness but because you were created you're worth it.
I can't seem to find happiness in any size, I have been under weight to over weight all in the last two years and just can't seem to find happiness. And that's all because an eating disorder doesn't want you to have any part of happiness. There are some moments when I can see clearly and experience some joy but more often I feel broken about not fitting into a certain size of jeans or shopping at certain stores because I have gotten older and my body type is changing (again) as well as the abuse I have put my body through has irreversible effects. An eating disorder is not really about any of those things. I haven't quite put my finger on it yet but when I find the magic cure I promise to tell the world.
I believe it takes lots of hard work and dedication to change an eating disorder. It infiltrates every part of your mind and heart until all you can think about is calories and carbs. You learn to hate your body because of what it was never meant to do instead of love your body for the very thing it was created for. The hard work comes in daily fighting for truth that to many women just can't seem to understand, myself included.
"When will it end" I ask myself constantly. "Why is it so hard to just eat?" "you don't look bad"
"you will be fine" are the insensitive comments from others. There is a statement I love that says "Every one knows someone" but one statement I love even more is Every one knows someone and you don't even know you are looking at them. The next time you see someone and you like a part of them that has nothing to do with their physical body tell them, don't be afraid to compliment a perfect stranger. And the next time you are struggling with your own body image fight for your life because you are worth it. Not because of happiness but because you were created you're worth it.
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