*THIS CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
Yes you read that correctly and I am sure for most of you comes as no surprise if you have ever seen me eat, but for the rest of you it may be harder to see because I am not underweight. My eating disorder has come in many shapes and sizes over the last 21 years of my life. Starting the traits of an eating disorder at least around the age of 10 although I can look back even further and see where I had poor body image even earlier and was called fat by adults and children alike.
I hesitate to share my story not because it hasn't been told before, but because it has never been told like this before. And with every time I open up about my past there are certain risks involved. I risk hurting others as well as myself. But if my story could help one person not feel alone tonight then I believe it is worth sharing. All I ask is that in reading my story you respect that I am a person just like anyone else no matter what you see on the outside.
Since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a gymnast (yes, I realize now as a grown woman it was not in my genetics to be a gymnast but hey I was 6 then). I flipped around on EVERYTHING, even went to the hospital for stitches after busting my head open on a concrete floor. Finally my parents got the hint and put me into gymnastics. I could have lived at the gym, I loved it there. The challenge of new possibilities were endless. I was in control of how my body moved and the way I felt was amazing. But one day it was pointed out that I might be too "thick" to perform at the level my coach was asking me to perform. I knew nothing about diets and overexercise, but I knew I had to work harder and over come this obstacle so I began to obsess about my workouts after practice. I soon could not keep up with "enough" push ups and sit ups. I always thought I needed to do more. But I kept fighting I was not giving up.
Fast forward a few years to junior high I had a rocky road at home and my parents decided to divorce, so the gym became even more important. The gym was where I could get lost and not even notice the world around me. I could give the mats my all and gain new skills in return. Sure I had other loves like music, church, cheerleading, and the occasional "boyfriend." I pretty much hated school, I felt alone even though I had friends. Everyone in a small town knew my business and I did not like that I had no control over things. That is when I learned I could control what I ate or didn't eat. It started as just being picky and wanting to be healthy but that soon grew into much more. I won't share details of my disorder because I do not want to trigger any one, but it is safe to say I was pushing my body well beyond the limits of healthy.
Moving on to High School I pretty much fell in love with my eating disorder it was everything to me. Every choice I made was because of my eating disorder. I thought I was fooling every one but later realized I wasn't fooling many. But no one stood up for me or questioned if I was ok or needed help. I was only made fun of for how skeletal I looked and how I always looked like I had two black eyes. Again you can probably see why I hated school so much.
When I was 15 I started a dating a boy that within a few months I knew I would marry, It was then that my road to recovery really began...
Jumping several years ahead to 2012 I experienced postpartum depression with my third child that triggered my eating disorder to swing into high gear and left me in the hospital, and eventually an eating disorder treatment facility. Over the past three years I have seen greater ups and downs than maybe ever before in my life only because I can't live in denial about my past. My eating disorder is part of who I am but it does not define who I am nor does it define who I want to become. I just have to realize it's going to take a while to get there.
You see I like millions of people was born with an eating disorder. It's not something I chose as a life style or the next fad I am trying to achieve. My relationship with food is messed up, my relationship with my body is messed up, and my relationship with my mind is messed up. I don't want to be this way, but I am. That doesn't mean I can't have some say in how I recover! Stay tuned for more about my road to recovery...