*THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
O Recovery, why did I pick this topic? Well I guess because it's just part of it. I really am not a fan of the term "Recovery" or "Relapse" for that matter I just feel they get too much attention. And every one's "recovery" is different. I don't think it's fair to assume that there is one right way to recover. I would rather refer to them as ups and downs of the disorder. So I am going to share with you my ups and downs...As I told you in my previous blog that my first up came when I was 15 and met my future husband. I had never told anyone about my eating disorder until then. I call this an up because that Man loved me to the point that he was not going to let me walk that road without a fight. And he still won't. So at that time the fear of losing him was enough to lay aside the physical fight I was putting my body through, but the mental aspect of the eating disorder has never let go.
Fast forward through the next fifteen years and I've had my ups and downs. Three babies have changed my body from my frail fifteen year old anorexic body and I have became a woman. So seeing myself in the mirror is not something I really like to do. But the next event in my life left me stunned and confused about everything in my past. I had gone to a conference with some friends and the speaker told her story and it was as if she was standing before me telling me mine. I couldn't move from my seat and it was in that moment I realized I could no longer run from my past, but unfortunately for me I had no idea how to handle that reality except to run head long into an eating disorder. I fell to the bottom of a pit and there was no escaping. I didn't care what happened and I felt more alone and attacked than ever before in life. I had a huge support system and people reaching out to help me but I just didn't have the motivation. So I was sent to treatment, not at all where I wanted to be. I just kept going to please people and make sure they would leave me alone. I have always said that "Recovery requires treatment, but treatment does not require recovery." Just because I was in treatment did not mean I was getting better, in fact the opposite was happening and with each freedom I was given the more I would run the other direction. I was in a step down program and left in the middle of group one night ready to give up. Normally I would have just kept to myself but for some reason this night I reached out to my therapist and he helped me realize I wasn't where I needed to be. He brought my support system around me and convinced my insurance company that treatment was where I needed to be yet again. It was during this time I gave into my treatment team and did what I needed to. I was starting to have an up moment and began to see a plan working out in my life. My second round of treatment branded me with a passion that still burns in me today. I have now been out of treatment for two years and continue to have ups and downs in fact I'm fighting my way out of a down even now. I have watched people I love fight for me and love me through this. I have had two therapists care for me and continue to speak truth in every session. I don't know what my life holds. I don't know if I will ever achieve my dreams but for today I am going to share what my recovery looks like for the dreams of others.
You see "recovery" is when you start to want to live without an eating disorder more than you want to live with it. There is no set of rules to know that you have arrived. When you start to free yourself from an eating disorder it feels amazing and scary all at the same time. You start to realize everything you thought you had to be begins to unravel, but there is more to be known. "Recovery" is a change of heart and mind not just physical acceptance.
I want to take some time to thank a few people in my recovery process:
My husband Chris: You have sacrificed your life for mine and fathered and mothered our children when I have been unable to, I love you with all my heart.
My best friend Chris: I have never been prayed for more than by you, your love exceeds any earthly love especially when I continually hurt you.
John: Thanks for being in my corner and encouraging me to let go of my bags everyday.
My sisters from another mister: You have never let me fall alone.
Travis: You have never given up on me even when I have given up many times on myself.
Diane: Thanks for always calling my bluff and pushing me to trust.
If you or someone you know is seeking to recover from an eating disorder let me give you the most incredible resource ever and his name is Travis Stewart. You can find out more on his website.