I hope I am not alone in this, and I don't think I am, but I struggle with what it means to be enough. As well as I struggle with am I enough. When I think about what it means to be enough I usually think about things that we have enough of or not enough of in our country. Such as we have enough food, water, and shelter. I have never once in my life gone hungry because I didn't have food. Yes, I recognize that even in our country there are people who don't have this luxury but in comparison to other countries the needs are far different. When I think of enough I think of a girl can never have enough shoes or chocolate.
But, enough isn't just an outward presence. Enough is relative to how I feel inwardly as well. I have always felt lacking! I am not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, athletic enough, loyal enough, friendly enough, compassionate enough, I'm just not enough is what I tell myself. What really is enough though and who am I letting define enough? I think being enough means using what you have to get through where you are. I may not be enough for tomorrow, but God will provide for my future. What I need to rest in is that I am enough for my present. God has equipped me for this moment. I challenge you to see that you are enough right now and right now is exactly where you are.
5,4,and 2
Friday, March 13, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
What happens when an Eating Disorder doesn't look like an eating disorder?
*THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN
BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING
DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE
TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET
OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
Sorry I didn't post yesterday I couldn't find the right words to say. But today it has been brought to my attention through a very dear friend of mine who like myself, also suffers from various forms of eating disorders that sometimes your eating disorder is just hard to describe. What do you do when your not 15% underweight or binging and purging all the time? What does it feel like to someone with an eating disorder that doesn't fit in to the neat little box given for eating disorders? My friend and I were sharing stories and relating to one another about how when you don't look like you have an eating disorder it is even harder to recover than when you can physically see you are sick. There is a whole population of these people out there and it just gets ignored. Most people just get lumped into the Obese category, but that is detrimental to their recovery. Almost every picture you see promoting eating disorder awareness is of someone super thin still.
I can speak from experience that in my journey to recovery I have been underweight, but I have also been overweight. It is still hard to wrap my head around that how sick I am actually has little to do with the number on the scale, and that physical sickness is not the only thing that matters. It breaks my heart that such awareness can be raised for eating disorders and yet so many people still get left out and are forced to feel ashamed, guilty, and alone! So tonight this blog is for my friends who suffer from eating disorders that go under the radar. You are not alone! There is no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for what you see in the mirror, for it's your heart's reflection that says who you really are.
Sorry I didn't post yesterday I couldn't find the right words to say. But today it has been brought to my attention through a very dear friend of mine who like myself, also suffers from various forms of eating disorders that sometimes your eating disorder is just hard to describe. What do you do when your not 15% underweight or binging and purging all the time? What does it feel like to someone with an eating disorder that doesn't fit in to the neat little box given for eating disorders? My friend and I were sharing stories and relating to one another about how when you don't look like you have an eating disorder it is even harder to recover than when you can physically see you are sick. There is a whole population of these people out there and it just gets ignored. Most people just get lumped into the Obese category, but that is detrimental to their recovery. Almost every picture you see promoting eating disorder awareness is of someone super thin still.
I can speak from experience that in my journey to recovery I have been underweight, but I have also been overweight. It is still hard to wrap my head around that how sick I am actually has little to do with the number on the scale, and that physical sickness is not the only thing that matters. It breaks my heart that such awareness can be raised for eating disorders and yet so many people still get left out and are forced to feel ashamed, guilty, and alone! So tonight this blog is for my friends who suffer from eating disorders that go under the radar. You are not alone! There is no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for what you see in the mirror, for it's your heart's reflection that says who you really are.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Protecting the next generation from an Eating Disorder
*THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN
BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING
DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE
TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET
OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
While I don't believe Eating Disorders can be prevented in all people I do believe that we can protect the next generation against them and give them resources on how to better handle the situation if it arises. Eating Disorders are mental health illnesses which means its not just about what goes on outwardly, although that is often times how they express themselves. By the time a person is expressing outward symptoms of an eating disorder their mind has already been affected. There are several key preventative areas we need to look at.
First we need to be open and talk about it. Talk about what exactly, everything. I would rather my children know from me how calories and nutrients affect their body than from someone their own age. I am not an expert but I am pretty sure I know more than the average person about nutrition just because of my eating disorder. This issue has already come up in our home and my daughters are in first grade and kindergarten. The reason it came up was because my daughter was introduced to an idea at school that in her brain triggered another response and led her to the conclusion that calories were bad. You can only imagine how floored I was to hear the word "calories" come out of my six year old's mouth. So we talk about it in our home. What are sometimes foods vs all the time foods, no foods are bad (unless of course it is an allergy).
Secondly we need to build the next generation up by way of their strengths not physical features. I don't know if you are aware of this but I have what most would call a "strong willed child". She has more passion in her pinky toe than I have in my whole body. But the truth be told she is just like me, and as a five year old you know what, she doesn't really care if someone tells her how pretty she is (although we do tell her how beautiful she is anyway). She cares much more about getting what she wants, and right now she wants to be recognized for her personality and fire for life. She wants justice and freedom so we try to give age appropriate opportunities for her to succeed.
Third we need to recognize that we are not in control either. Try telling someone with an eating disorder what they can and cannot do and see where that gets you. In the same way we can't control media, we can't control bullying, we can't control trauma, we can't control genetics, but what we can control is spreading the truth. I have to tell myself the truth that there is a large possibility that whether my children suffer from an eating disorder or not they most likely will struggle with body image and fitting in. While I might be able to control what goes on inside my house my children will have to step outside those doors and face the world, and it is my job to equip them on how to do that.
And just because we can't control these things doesn't mean we can't seek truth and raise awareness by speaking up and changing where we focus our attention. Guard their little hearts, but teach them how to succeed through the world's eyes of failure. Struggling in life is something we all face it doesn't make us weak it makes us learn.
It's too late to protect me from developing an eating disorder and to be honest with you having one has really sucked! But what an eating disorder has taught me is that like many in life I just want control. But control isn't attainable I don't have control in this life but there is one constant who does.
While I don't believe Eating Disorders can be prevented in all people I do believe that we can protect the next generation against them and give them resources on how to better handle the situation if it arises. Eating Disorders are mental health illnesses which means its not just about what goes on outwardly, although that is often times how they express themselves. By the time a person is expressing outward symptoms of an eating disorder their mind has already been affected. There are several key preventative areas we need to look at.
First we need to be open and talk about it. Talk about what exactly, everything. I would rather my children know from me how calories and nutrients affect their body than from someone their own age. I am not an expert but I am pretty sure I know more than the average person about nutrition just because of my eating disorder. This issue has already come up in our home and my daughters are in first grade and kindergarten. The reason it came up was because my daughter was introduced to an idea at school that in her brain triggered another response and led her to the conclusion that calories were bad. You can only imagine how floored I was to hear the word "calories" come out of my six year old's mouth. So we talk about it in our home. What are sometimes foods vs all the time foods, no foods are bad (unless of course it is an allergy).
Secondly we need to build the next generation up by way of their strengths not physical features. I don't know if you are aware of this but I have what most would call a "strong willed child". She has more passion in her pinky toe than I have in my whole body. But the truth be told she is just like me, and as a five year old you know what, she doesn't really care if someone tells her how pretty she is (although we do tell her how beautiful she is anyway). She cares much more about getting what she wants, and right now she wants to be recognized for her personality and fire for life. She wants justice and freedom so we try to give age appropriate opportunities for her to succeed.
Third we need to recognize that we are not in control either. Try telling someone with an eating disorder what they can and cannot do and see where that gets you. In the same way we can't control media, we can't control bullying, we can't control trauma, we can't control genetics, but what we can control is spreading the truth. I have to tell myself the truth that there is a large possibility that whether my children suffer from an eating disorder or not they most likely will struggle with body image and fitting in. While I might be able to control what goes on inside my house my children will have to step outside those doors and face the world, and it is my job to equip them on how to do that.
And just because we can't control these things doesn't mean we can't seek truth and raise awareness by speaking up and changing where we focus our attention. Guard their little hearts, but teach them how to succeed through the world's eyes of failure. Struggling in life is something we all face it doesn't make us weak it makes us learn.
It's too late to protect me from developing an eating disorder and to be honest with you having one has really sucked! But what an eating disorder has taught me is that like many in life I just want control. But control isn't attainable I don't have control in this life but there is one constant who does.
"The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of God will stand forever."
Isaiah 40:8
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
What does recovery from an Eating Disorder look like?
*THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN
BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING
DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE
TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET
OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
O Recovery, why did I pick this topic? Well I guess because it's just part of it. I really am not a fan of the term "Recovery" or "Relapse" for that matter I just feel they get too much attention. And every one's "recovery" is different. I don't think it's fair to assume that there is one right way to recover. I would rather refer to them as ups and downs of the disorder. So I am going to share with you my ups and downs...As I told you in my previous blog that my first up came when I was 15 and met my future husband. I had never told anyone about my eating disorder until then. I call this an up because that Man loved me to the point that he was not going to let me walk that road without a fight. And he still won't. So at that time the fear of losing him was enough to lay aside the physical fight I was putting my body through, but the mental aspect of the eating disorder has never let go.
Fast forward through the next fifteen years and I've had my ups and downs. Three babies have changed my body from my frail fifteen year old anorexic body and I have became a woman. So seeing myself in the mirror is not something I really like to do. But the next event in my life left me stunned and confused about everything in my past. I had gone to a conference with some friends and the speaker told her story and it was as if she was standing before me telling me mine. I couldn't move from my seat and it was in that moment I realized I could no longer run from my past, but unfortunately for me I had no idea how to handle that reality except to run head long into an eating disorder. I fell to the bottom of a pit and there was no escaping. I didn't care what happened and I felt more alone and attacked than ever before in life. I had a huge support system and people reaching out to help me but I just didn't have the motivation. So I was sent to treatment, not at all where I wanted to be. I just kept going to please people and make sure they would leave me alone. I have always said that "Recovery requires treatment, but treatment does not require recovery." Just because I was in treatment did not mean I was getting better, in fact the opposite was happening and with each freedom I was given the more I would run the other direction. I was in a step down program and left in the middle of group one night ready to give up. Normally I would have just kept to myself but for some reason this night I reached out to my therapist and he helped me realize I wasn't where I needed to be. He brought my support system around me and convinced my insurance company that treatment was where I needed to be yet again. It was during this time I gave into my treatment team and did what I needed to. I was starting to have an up moment and began to see a plan working out in my life. My second round of treatment branded me with a passion that still burns in me today. I have now been out of treatment for two years and continue to have ups and downs in fact I'm fighting my way out of a down even now. I have watched people I love fight for me and love me through this. I have had two therapists care for me and continue to speak truth in every session. I don't know what my life holds. I don't know if I will ever achieve my dreams but for today I am going to share what my recovery looks like for the dreams of others.
You see "recovery" is when you start to want to live without an eating disorder more than you want to live with it. There is no set of rules to know that you have arrived. When you start to free yourself from an eating disorder it feels amazing and scary all at the same time. You start to realize everything you thought you had to be begins to unravel, but there is more to be known. "Recovery" is a change of heart and mind not just physical acceptance.
I want to take some time to thank a few people in my recovery process:
My husband Chris: You have sacrificed your life for mine and fathered and mothered our children when I have been unable to, I love you with all my heart.
My best friend Chris: I have never been prayed for more than by you, your love exceeds any earthly love especially when I continually hurt you.
John: Thanks for being in my corner and encouraging me to let go of my bags everyday.
My sisters from another mister: You have never let me fall alone.
Travis: You have never given up on me even when I have given up many times on myself.
Diane: Thanks for always calling my bluff and pushing me to trust.
If you or someone you know is seeking to recover from an eating disorder let me give you the most incredible resource ever and his name is Travis Stewart. You can find out more on his website.
O Recovery, why did I pick this topic? Well I guess because it's just part of it. I really am not a fan of the term "Recovery" or "Relapse" for that matter I just feel they get too much attention. And every one's "recovery" is different. I don't think it's fair to assume that there is one right way to recover. I would rather refer to them as ups and downs of the disorder. So I am going to share with you my ups and downs...As I told you in my previous blog that my first up came when I was 15 and met my future husband. I had never told anyone about my eating disorder until then. I call this an up because that Man loved me to the point that he was not going to let me walk that road without a fight. And he still won't. So at that time the fear of losing him was enough to lay aside the physical fight I was putting my body through, but the mental aspect of the eating disorder has never let go.
Fast forward through the next fifteen years and I've had my ups and downs. Three babies have changed my body from my frail fifteen year old anorexic body and I have became a woman. So seeing myself in the mirror is not something I really like to do. But the next event in my life left me stunned and confused about everything in my past. I had gone to a conference with some friends and the speaker told her story and it was as if she was standing before me telling me mine. I couldn't move from my seat and it was in that moment I realized I could no longer run from my past, but unfortunately for me I had no idea how to handle that reality except to run head long into an eating disorder. I fell to the bottom of a pit and there was no escaping. I didn't care what happened and I felt more alone and attacked than ever before in life. I had a huge support system and people reaching out to help me but I just didn't have the motivation. So I was sent to treatment, not at all where I wanted to be. I just kept going to please people and make sure they would leave me alone. I have always said that "Recovery requires treatment, but treatment does not require recovery." Just because I was in treatment did not mean I was getting better, in fact the opposite was happening and with each freedom I was given the more I would run the other direction. I was in a step down program and left in the middle of group one night ready to give up. Normally I would have just kept to myself but for some reason this night I reached out to my therapist and he helped me realize I wasn't where I needed to be. He brought my support system around me and convinced my insurance company that treatment was where I needed to be yet again. It was during this time I gave into my treatment team and did what I needed to. I was starting to have an up moment and began to see a plan working out in my life. My second round of treatment branded me with a passion that still burns in me today. I have now been out of treatment for two years and continue to have ups and downs in fact I'm fighting my way out of a down even now. I have watched people I love fight for me and love me through this. I have had two therapists care for me and continue to speak truth in every session. I don't know what my life holds. I don't know if I will ever achieve my dreams but for today I am going to share what my recovery looks like for the dreams of others.
You see "recovery" is when you start to want to live without an eating disorder more than you want to live with it. There is no set of rules to know that you have arrived. When you start to free yourself from an eating disorder it feels amazing and scary all at the same time. You start to realize everything you thought you had to be begins to unravel, but there is more to be known. "Recovery" is a change of heart and mind not just physical acceptance.
I want to take some time to thank a few people in my recovery process:
My husband Chris: You have sacrificed your life for mine and fathered and mothered our children when I have been unable to, I love you with all my heart.
My best friend Chris: I have never been prayed for more than by you, your love exceeds any earthly love especially when I continually hurt you.
John: Thanks for being in my corner and encouraging me to let go of my bags everyday.
My sisters from another mister: You have never let me fall alone.
Travis: You have never given up on me even when I have given up many times on myself.
Diane: Thanks for always calling my bluff and pushing me to trust.
If you or someone you know is seeking to recover from an eating disorder let me give you the most incredible resource ever and his name is Travis Stewart. You can find out more on his website.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
So I have an Eating Disorder...
*THIS CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS MEANT FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY AND CAN
BE TRIGGERING FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE SEEKING TREATMENT FOR AN EATING
DISORDER. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS INFORMATION IF YOU FEEL YOU MIGHT BE
TRIGGERED. THIS BLOG IS IN NO WAY CONDONING AN EATING DISORDER MINDSET
OR BEHAVIOR, BUT RATHER TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT EATING DISORDERS.*
Yes you read that correctly and I am sure for most of you comes as no surprise if you have ever seen me eat, but for the rest of you it may be harder to see because I am not underweight. My eating disorder has come in many shapes and sizes over the last 21 years of my life. Starting the traits of an eating disorder at least around the age of 10 although I can look back even further and see where I had poor body image even earlier and was called fat by adults and children alike.
I hesitate to share my story not because it hasn't been told before, but because it has never been told like this before. And with every time I open up about my past there are certain risks involved. I risk hurting others as well as myself. But if my story could help one person not feel alone tonight then I believe it is worth sharing. All I ask is that in reading my story you respect that I am a person just like anyone else no matter what you see on the outside.
Since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a gymnast (yes, I realize now as a grown woman it was not in my genetics to be a gymnast but hey I was 6 then). I flipped around on EVERYTHING, even went to the hospital for stitches after busting my head open on a concrete floor. Finally my parents got the hint and put me into gymnastics. I could have lived at the gym, I loved it there. The challenge of new possibilities were endless. I was in control of how my body moved and the way I felt was amazing. But one day it was pointed out that I might be too "thick" to perform at the level my coach was asking me to perform. I knew nothing about diets and overexercise, but I knew I had to work harder and over come this obstacle so I began to obsess about my workouts after practice. I soon could not keep up with "enough" push ups and sit ups. I always thought I needed to do more. But I kept fighting I was not giving up.
Fast forward a few years to junior high I had a rocky road at home and my parents decided to divorce, so the gym became even more important. The gym was where I could get lost and not even notice the world around me. I could give the mats my all and gain new skills in return. Sure I had other loves like music, church, cheerleading, and the occasional "boyfriend." I pretty much hated school, I felt alone even though I had friends. Everyone in a small town knew my business and I did not like that I had no control over things. That is when I learned I could control what I ate or didn't eat. It started as just being picky and wanting to be healthy but that soon grew into much more. I won't share details of my disorder because I do not want to trigger any one, but it is safe to say I was pushing my body well beyond the limits of healthy.
Moving on to High School I pretty much fell in love with my eating disorder it was everything to me. Every choice I made was because of my eating disorder. I thought I was fooling every one but later realized I wasn't fooling many. But no one stood up for me or questioned if I was ok or needed help. I was only made fun of for how skeletal I looked and how I always looked like I had two black eyes. Again you can probably see why I hated school so much.
When I was 15 I started a dating a boy that within a few months I knew I would marry, It was then that my road to recovery really began...
Jumping several years ahead to 2012 I experienced postpartum depression with my third child that triggered my eating disorder to swing into high gear and left me in the hospital, and eventually an eating disorder treatment facility. Over the past three years I have seen greater ups and downs than maybe ever before in my life only because I can't live in denial about my past. My eating disorder is part of who I am but it does not define who I am nor does it define who I want to become. I just have to realize it's going to take a while to get there.
You see I like millions of people was born with an eating disorder. It's not something I chose as a life style or the next fad I am trying to achieve. My relationship with food is messed up, my relationship with my body is messed up, and my relationship with my mind is messed up. I don't want to be this way, but I am. That doesn't mean I can't have some say in how I recover! Stay tuned for more about my road to recovery...
Yes you read that correctly and I am sure for most of you comes as no surprise if you have ever seen me eat, but for the rest of you it may be harder to see because I am not underweight. My eating disorder has come in many shapes and sizes over the last 21 years of my life. Starting the traits of an eating disorder at least around the age of 10 although I can look back even further and see where I had poor body image even earlier and was called fat by adults and children alike.
I hesitate to share my story not because it hasn't been told before, but because it has never been told like this before. And with every time I open up about my past there are certain risks involved. I risk hurting others as well as myself. But if my story could help one person not feel alone tonight then I believe it is worth sharing. All I ask is that in reading my story you respect that I am a person just like anyone else no matter what you see on the outside.
Since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a gymnast (yes, I realize now as a grown woman it was not in my genetics to be a gymnast but hey I was 6 then). I flipped around on EVERYTHING, even went to the hospital for stitches after busting my head open on a concrete floor. Finally my parents got the hint and put me into gymnastics. I could have lived at the gym, I loved it there. The challenge of new possibilities were endless. I was in control of how my body moved and the way I felt was amazing. But one day it was pointed out that I might be too "thick" to perform at the level my coach was asking me to perform. I knew nothing about diets and overexercise, but I knew I had to work harder and over come this obstacle so I began to obsess about my workouts after practice. I soon could not keep up with "enough" push ups and sit ups. I always thought I needed to do more. But I kept fighting I was not giving up.
Fast forward a few years to junior high I had a rocky road at home and my parents decided to divorce, so the gym became even more important. The gym was where I could get lost and not even notice the world around me. I could give the mats my all and gain new skills in return. Sure I had other loves like music, church, cheerleading, and the occasional "boyfriend." I pretty much hated school, I felt alone even though I had friends. Everyone in a small town knew my business and I did not like that I had no control over things. That is when I learned I could control what I ate or didn't eat. It started as just being picky and wanting to be healthy but that soon grew into much more. I won't share details of my disorder because I do not want to trigger any one, but it is safe to say I was pushing my body well beyond the limits of healthy.
Moving on to High School I pretty much fell in love with my eating disorder it was everything to me. Every choice I made was because of my eating disorder. I thought I was fooling every one but later realized I wasn't fooling many. But no one stood up for me or questioned if I was ok or needed help. I was only made fun of for how skeletal I looked and how I always looked like I had two black eyes. Again you can probably see why I hated school so much.
When I was 15 I started a dating a boy that within a few months I knew I would marry, It was then that my road to recovery really began...
Jumping several years ahead to 2012 I experienced postpartum depression with my third child that triggered my eating disorder to swing into high gear and left me in the hospital, and eventually an eating disorder treatment facility. Over the past three years I have seen greater ups and downs than maybe ever before in my life only because I can't live in denial about my past. My eating disorder is part of who I am but it does not define who I am nor does it define who I want to become. I just have to realize it's going to take a while to get there.
You see I like millions of people was born with an eating disorder. It's not something I chose as a life style or the next fad I am trying to achieve. My relationship with food is messed up, my relationship with my body is messed up, and my relationship with my mind is messed up. I don't want to be this way, but I am. That doesn't mean I can't have some say in how I recover! Stay tuned for more about my road to recovery...
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