5,4,and 2

5,4,and 2

Friday, October 10, 2014

What does it mean to wrestle through struggling?

Sorry I have not blogged in a while, life has kept me busy.  I have gone back to school and just finished up my first two classes back so I thought now would be a good time to write a little.  I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to share (believe me there is a lot).  One thing that stands out the most are my thoughts on struggling, is it a sin, is it necessary, and what if any good could come from it. 

First, is struggling a sin?  When I ask this question I try to think of what went on inside of Jesus' head.  Did Jesus struggle?  We know He was tempted, but is temptation the same as struggling?  Honestly I am still on the fence on this one, but what I do know is it would be amazing to have Jesus' neurological system without a mental illness.  The very definition of struggling is "to make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction."  That sounds amazing to me, to make violent efforts to get free.

Is it necessary to struggle is the next question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  This may seem like a silly question to some on both sides of the question.  No it should not be necessary to struggle some might say, but I would agree with the other side that would say it absolutely is necessary to struggle.  If you are not struggling you are not learning and growing for starters.  In Genesis 32 the Bible talks about how Jacob wrestles with God.  In the midst of Jacob's struggle He demanded for a blessing.  Which leads to the final question.

What good could possibly come from suffering?  Have you ever thought of it in the sense that a blessing could follow our suffering?  Sure I have thought about God teaching me something or making me stronger in an area, but never really thought of the blessings that follow.  Looking back on my life now I can see where after struggles God has richly blessed me.  

One of my most recent struggles that I have been open about has been my eating disorder.  Since sharing with a few people God has blessed me with the greatest of friends.  While they may not always understand me they are always there to help me fight.  I am not alone in this struggle.  I think when you open yourself up to be vulnerable about your struggles God will see that and bless you.  I recognize that struggling is not easy, but we all face them.  I wonder what would happen if we all got a little more real when it comes to our struggles, if they wouldn't hold so much power over us.  Just my thoughts.

As water reflects the face,
so the heart reflects the person.
Proverbs 27:19  HCSB

Monday, April 14, 2014

When Eatting Disorders Don't Discriminate

     I just feel like I have been struggling a lot lately with what my eating disorder looks like and thought I would share.  So this is for all you pregnant friends that struggle, all those fabulous plus size girls (like me), the "average" size ladies, and all the ones who might be somewhere under, over, or in between. 

     I can't seem to find happiness in any size, I have been under weight to over weight all in the last two years and just can't seem to find happiness.  And that's all because an eating disorder doesn't want you to have any part of happiness.  There are some moments when I can see clearly and experience some joy but more often I feel broken about not fitting into a certain size of jeans or shopping at certain stores because I have gotten older and my body type is changing (again) as well as the abuse I have put my body through has irreversible effects.  An eating disorder is not really about any of those things.  I haven't quite put my finger on it yet but when I find the magic cure I promise to tell the world. 

     I believe it takes lots of hard work and dedication to change an eating disorder.  It infiltrates every part of your mind and heart until all you can think about is calories and carbs.  You learn to hate your body because of what it was never meant to do instead of love your body for the very thing it was created for.  The hard work comes in daily fighting for truth that to many women just can't seem to understand, myself included. 

     "When will it end" I ask myself constantly.  "Why is it so hard to just eat?"  "you don't look bad"
"you will be fine" are the insensitive comments from others.  There is a statement I love that says "Every one knows someone" but one statement I love even more is Every one knows someone and you don't even know you are looking at them.  The next time you see someone and you like a part of them that has nothing to do with their physical body tell them, don't be afraid to compliment a perfect stranger.  And the next time you are struggling with your own body image fight for your life because you are worth it.  Not because of happiness but because you were created you're worth it.