I just feel like I have been struggling a lot lately with what my eating disorder looks like and thought I would share. So this is for all you pregnant friends that struggle, all those fabulous plus size girls (like me), the "average" size ladies, and all the ones who might be somewhere under, over, or in between.
I can't seem to find happiness in any size, I have been under weight to over weight all in the last two years and just can't seem to find happiness. And that's all because an eating disorder doesn't want you to have any part of happiness. There are some moments when I can see clearly and experience some joy but more often I feel broken about not fitting into a certain size of jeans or shopping at certain stores because I have gotten older and my body type is changing (again) as well as the abuse I have put my body through has irreversible effects. An eating disorder is not really about any of those things. I haven't quite put my finger on it yet but when I find the magic cure I promise to tell the world.
I believe it takes lots of hard work and dedication to change an eating disorder. It infiltrates every part of your mind and heart until all you can think about is calories and carbs. You learn to hate your body because of what it was never meant to do instead of love your body for the very thing it was created for. The hard work comes in daily fighting for truth that to many women just can't seem to understand, myself included.
"When will it end" I ask myself constantly. "Why is it so hard to just eat?" "you don't look bad"
"you will be fine" are the insensitive comments from others. There is a statement I love that says "Every one knows someone" but one statement I love even more is Every one knows someone and you don't even know you are looking at them. The next time you see someone and you like a part of them that has nothing to do with their physical body tell them, don't be afraid to compliment a perfect stranger. And the next time you are struggling with your own body image fight for your life because you are worth it. Not because of happiness but because you were created you're worth it.