Pride vs. Trust

     Something that has been on my mind lately in between writing speeches for class and reading about intro to psychology research and that is Pride and trust.  AND because my word nerd friend has me hooked on definitions I can't live life without looking up the meanings to pretty much every word that pops in my head these days.  So I am going to try and break down the words according to the good ole dictionary and what comes to mind as I try to process the information.

     "Pride: a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people

              : a feeling that you are more important or better than other people

              : a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc."

     "Trust: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

              : an arrangement in which someone's property or money is legally held or managed by someone else or by an organization (such as a bank) for usually a set period of time

              : an organization that results from the creation of a trust"

     You might be trying to stay with me here or I may have completely lost you, so let me try and get you back.  I struggle with pride, and I think I struggle with pride because I struggle with a lack of trust.  Trust in a lot of things but mainly a lack of trust in God. I hope I am not alone in this.  I don't feel like I struggle with pride in the typical "big head" sort of way, but rather in the opposite way of "I don't deserve anything and am worthless" sort of way.  I have come to realize and have been challenged recently by my therapist what exactly this means in my life.  A million things run through my mind all day every day even as I am typing this.  Pride sneaks in and questions if I am doing anything right often times leaving me paralyzed with the answer that I am not.  Which leads me to believe I am too proud to trust.  Too proud to trust my friends and family, too proud to trust my treatment team that beg me to believe in myself, too proud to trust myself to make any kind of beneficial decision for my life, and most of all too proud to trust the one who gave up everything for me, Jesus.  

     It gets to me that in the definition of trust the word "effective" describes so much of my life and yet I'm too proud about being humble that I won't come to terms with the fact that God is effective.  My reality of pride vs. trust is so skewed that even simple things become such a struggle.  This week in one of my counseling sessions I was asked what it would look like if I trusted God and just took His hand.  No deep theological meaning, just trust God in one small little seemingly meaningless thing.  My answer...was silence, I couldn't even answer.  Once again I was paralyzed.  As I have been thinking for several days about how this blog would go and trying to piece together the words to say I want to just be all in and trust all the time, but that's not reality either.  I struggle with life, a lot.  Even though my struggle with pride is different it's still not me trusting in God's goodness and provision. I came across this video on facebook I wanted to share.  It reminds me of that question I was asked about just giving a little to God.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbOI0fASw3w

     What does it mean to trust and where do you start? 

Go with what's effective, God is effective.  His life, His love, His care for you is all effective.  Does that mean easy? No, it means He will make it work, trust that He will work all things together for His purposes and His glory.

What does it mean to wrestle through struggling?

Sorry I have not blogged in a while, life has kept me busy.  I have gone back to school and just finished up my first two classes back so I thought now would be a good time to write a little.  I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to share (believe me there is a lot).  One thing that stands out the most are my thoughts on struggling, is it a sin, is it necessary, and what if any good could come from it. 

First, is struggling a sin?  When I ask this question I try to think of what went on inside of Jesus' head.  Did Jesus struggle?  We know He was tempted, but is temptation the same as struggling?  Honestly I am still on the fence on this one, but what I do know is it would be amazing to have Jesus' neurological system without a mental illness.  The very definition of struggling is "to make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction."  That sounds amazing to me, to make violent efforts to get free.

Is it necessary to struggle is the next question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  This may seem like a silly question to some on both sides of the question.  No it should not be necessary to struggle some might say, but I would agree with the other side that would say it absolutely is necessary to struggle.  If you are not struggling you are not learning and growing for starters.  In Genesis 32 the Bible talks about how Jacob wrestles with God.  In the midst of Jacob's struggle He demanded for a blessing.  Which leads to the final question.

What good could possibly come from suffering?  Have you ever thought of it in the sense that a blessing could follow our suffering?  Sure I have thought about God teaching me something or making me stronger in an area, but never really thought of the blessings that follow.  Looking back on my life now I can see where after struggles God has richly blessed me.  

One of my most recent struggles that I have been open about has been my eating disorder.  Since sharing with a few people God has blessed me with the greatest of friends.  While they may not always understand me they are always there to help me fight.  I am not alone in this struggle.  I think when you open yourself up to be vulnerable about your struggles God will see that and bless you.  I recognize that struggling is not easy, but we all face them.  I wonder what would happen if we all got a little more real when it comes to our struggles, if they wouldn't hold so much power over us.  Just my thoughts.
 

As water reflects the face,
so the heart reflects the person.
Proverbs 27:19  HCSB

When Eatting Disorders Don't Discriminate

     I just feel like I have been struggling a lot lately with what my eating disorder looks like and thought I would share.  So this is for all you pregnant friends that struggle, all those fabulous plus size girls (like me), the "average" size ladies, and all the ones who might be somewhere under, over, or in between. 

     I can't seem to find happiness in any size, I have been under weight to over weight all in the last two years and just can't seem to find happiness.  And that's all because an eating disorder doesn't want you to have any part of happiness.  There are some moments when I can see clearly and experience some joy but more often I feel broken about not fitting into a certain size of jeans or shopping at certain stores because I have gotten older and my body type is changing (again) as well as the abuse I have put my body through has irreversible effects.  An eating disorder is not really about any of those things.  I haven't quite put my finger on it yet but when I find the magic cure I promise to tell the world. 

     I believe it takes lots of hard work and dedication to change an eating disorder.  It infiltrates every part of your mind and heart until all you can think about is calories and carbs.  You learn to hate your body because of what it was never meant to do instead of love your body for the very thing it was created for.  The hard work comes in daily fighting for truth that to many women just can't seem to understand, myself included. 

     "When will it end" I ask myself constantly.  "Why is it so hard to just eat?"  "you don't look bad"
"you will be fine" are the insensitive comments from others.  There is a statement I love that says "Every one knows someone" but one statement I love even more is Every one knows someone and you don't even know you are looking at them.  The next time you see someone and you like a part of them that has nothing to do with their physical body tell them, don't be afraid to compliment a perfect stranger.  And the next time you are struggling with your own body image fight for your life because you are worth it.  Not because of happiness but because you were created you're worth it.

Airing Out The Laundry

Recently I was given the opportunity to interview about a struggle that has been on going in my life for many years.  To watch the interview you can click on the title of this blog or go to SpielOn.com Episode 25.  Being a pastors wife and coming from a small town I always feel like I am being watched by everyone and that when I hang my laundry out to dry everyone sees it.  What happened to privacy fences in the back yard?  This being honest about struggles and being human just sucks at times like this.  I much prefer my pastors wife face with make up and a cute scarf with ridiculously huge earrings and adorable shoes that kill your feet.  The killing your feet part is nothing compared to being vulnerable and opening your life up for others to really see.  The truth is, those little half a sock things that you wear with heels to keep your feet from hurting so much get dirty and need to be washed just like everything else.  Mine included, but I can't stop there.  1 Corinthians is such a sweet reminder of this.  Really first Corinthians 6:11 is where I am getting at, but I will try to give you a little bit of where the Corinthian church was at first.  The Corinthian church was at no loss for sin, and these issues were made to be an idol before God.  Paul was continually reminding them that God was greater than what they could see.  In chapter six Paul was addressing the justice system and lawsuits which may seem a little odd, but I think what Paul was getting at was to settle disputes among each other in the church so the world would have this example.  I will start with verse nine

                   "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not    be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

Then in verse 11 it gets rich and life changing for everyone! 

                   "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

 Don't you just love that?!  As my husband says "We can't do what God does."  I am tainted by sin both of my own doing and by nature, but I have been washed.  My local church helps me see my failures in a loving way leading me to love more, and the more open with them I am the more God shows me His Grace in my life and changes me.  Which has also led me to believe the only way people will see there is hope in whatever they are facing is to show them where hope comes from.  I know, simple and yet so profound.  I have spent most of my life knowing the truths of God, but it hasn't been until more recently that my eyes have been opened to what a loving God He really is.  Over the last year I have been to the bottom and when I thought there wasn't any other way but up from there, the floor dropped out.  Each time I would try to climb back out and each time I would find myself further and further in.  Which is why I feel my husband is so true in that statement, "we can't do what God does."  If you have been washed, share it, so others might become clean.  Be the laundry hanging on the line.  If you are struggling and don't understand where the bottom really is, and where the breath of life begins, reach out.  I would be more than happy to share more.  There is hope, and just because it can't be seen or heard sometimes, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

9.3 Week Appointment

Well I had an OB appointment yesterday, and was a little nervous.  I don't like the beginning appointments.  I first realized while sitting on the examining table there were kittens on the ceiling, so I guess you could say that distracted me a little.  Then my new Dr. came in  (I actually liked him, too bad I will have to switch in four weeks) and introduced himself.  He looked at my chart and told me I was a baby pro so my husband needed to deliver this one.  I politely told him Chris would not be interested in catching.  He then tried to listen for the heartbeat, but could not find it and assured me that it was really a little too early to hear it, so I would come back in three weeks.  I really wanted to hear it, but we will just have to wait.  After my exam he told me that I had an amazing structure for birthing large babies (thanks, I think).  I don't look forward to yet another big baby, but I am sure things will go as planned, and probably not my plan.  I have now gained 2 pounds.  And am starting to feel a little less sick all the time.  However I have gained a new since of dizziness, and a nice pinched nerve already, but that I know is all part of it.  I am trying to find the joy through out all of this even though I don't really like being pregnant.